By Jordan Vetro

Socrates did once say “I am aware of nothing, but the fact of mine own ignorance.” It is my pleasure to announce to Socrates that there is now a second thing of which we may be aware, no matter how ignorant we be, we can find rest in the fact that Simon Boucher is more so. My fellow students, it is well nigh a year that I, so young and impressionable at the time, so full of spark and dreams, felt the brutal force of the callous punishment and most sadistic character of Mr. Boucher. (See The Senseless Brutality of Simon Boucher)Him and that pretty hair of his. Those of you who were among our readers last year will be made aware of his violent and ruthless behavior, which lies dormant until the night exposes its naked depravity. He, of course responded with very cruel words (see The Wrongfully Accused Speak Out), however, in keeping with the nature which I have already painted, his response lacked any credibility.
But, I hold no grudges. There is within me no ill will towards the man for his cruel violence. I simply write now, out of necessity, to bring fair and true warning to those on campus who would go to seek Mr. Boucher’s counsel. There is a great and unfortunate secret that you must come to understand if you wish to see Simon for who he truly is. Simon Boucher is shallow. It’s quite true. Shallower than a teacup. More shallow than the saucer it sits upon. While posing as a senior student, a source of knowledge, literary credibility and moral understanding, Mr. Boucher has somehow been able to use twisted words and that cheeky smile of his to coerce unsuspecting innocents into seeing his as a source of good will. Men gaze jealously. Women swoon. All for a character, put on by a man who, in his deepest and innermost self, has all the understanding of life and courtesy of character as a sofa.
Obviously, it is not from my own bitterness or jealousy that I take pen in hand now. I am simply convicted. Convicted to the core that the good students of Emmanuel Bible College have a right to understand who Simon Boucher truly is. So that they may be able to steer clear and remain uncontaminated by the misfortune and ill that festers in his wake. Women should know, this is a man not worth pursuing. Men must be aware, this is a man not worth emulating. Dare I say, even are good professors must question whether this is a man worth educating. Or would any attempt to expand his mind simply wash away in the abyss that fills the skull of this, the most crude and hollow of specimens.
And now one must ask, how is it that I, who do all that I may to avoid this man, be so painfully aware of the most sinister aspects of his character? How am I the one to whom has been revealed all the horrendous truths about Simon Boucher? Well now the truth comes out. He called me fat. He said it strait out too. “George, you’re fat.” Like seven times.