by: Stefanie Parsons

This is a diary entry entitled Youth Camp July 21-23, 2005 from when I was teaching English at Sammuk Christian Academy in Bang Saen, Thailand.  I write this in the Global Perspectives column as my own personal perspective into life in Thailand with Thai students.

In some ways I felt both full and empty.  I felt the sea wind on my face and the rush of waves against my body.  I could see the carved rocks, solid and hewn out of the earth by the never ending force of the ocean tearing away their history of when the land and sea were separated.  The rocks and hills and trees look as new as when the island was created, except for the erosion of the waves and the fragments of beach glass and garbage that gets washed up.  Everything is so calm but violent as well.

I swam with the students yesterday afternoon and the waves were so high and just pounding me.  It was very windy; almost all the time there and the water was rough on our way across to the island on the boat from Si Racha. I sat on top and got splashed many times but I’d rather be on top then in the stuffy seating underneath. 

We all were excited – but I only got excited when the guys asked me to take a picture of them even before they got on the boat!  They were so exuberant to be going out of school and to an island too.  (Not to mention they would also get to spend time with their ‘special friends’.) 

The whole ride to the pier I was with the M 4 and 5 girls (grades 10 and 11) and wondering what I was doing going to youth camp with a bunch of teenagers who don’t like me.  Sitting across from your enemy in an open, moving vehicle – I’m sure they could sense my apprehension.  Some girls are nicer and friendlier then the others who just have an attitude and think that I’m out to ruin their fun with their boyfriends. I was determined to stay away from the couples that I have been bothering in my teacher duty ways and keep to myself. The boys are easy to talk to and joke with.  Tammarat gives me a hard time in class but he’s really a great kid who just needs to be shown who’s boss once in a while. 

In the first worship session I felt really strange sitting near the front where everyone can see that I can’t sing the songs or understand the speaker.  I felt like a fish out of water or a crab without claws.  (Do they really ‘shed’ their claws when captured by a tall, lanky basketballer (Tanapat) and a short, bulky footballer (Chatchawin)?)

They all know that I’m no good at Thai; do they think I’m no good for anything?  Why do they think I’m here?  I kept asking myself that question and then I told myself to stop because it was making me sad.  Hearing all those voices singing about God and not being able to add my own really hurts and I don’t want them to think that I don’t want to share with them.  I want to show them that I’m interested in their lives, but most students can hardly speak basic English.

Gift is one exception in that she tells me her feelings very honestly in her limited vocabulary and I sort of fill in the blank spots when she’s out of words.  She told me the first night that she is sad because she keeps making the same mistakes and she can’t stop it.  I just tried to remind her that we are all going to keep sinning even though we are Christians and what is good is that God can take away our sins – his mercy is new every morning.  I told her that I sin too and I’m always asking for forgiveness but I know that God still loves me and will always be with me. 

Lord, God please help me to understand Thai more and be able to practice my letters with someone.