Coffee Review #8

by: Dave King

Prelude: I was told by certain people with eyes that read things before things are presented to the masses that I had to prepare a coffee review to end all coffee reviews for this last issue.  What does that even mean: A coffee review to end all coffee reviews?  Does that mean that if this ends up being the best coffee shop review ever written, that nobody will ever write another coffee shop review throughout the course of history?  Does it sound right that these aforementioned “people with eyes” should put that sort of pressure on my shoulders?  This is bigger than back when the writers of Seinfeld had to write a final episode.  Anyhow, on to some useless jabbering.

Location: My dorm room.  Because this location is so close to home for me, I will need to keep an air of detachment while doing this review; I wouldn’t want to be overly subjective.  As any thinking person knows, the only way for me to do this is to give myself a pseudonym and pretend that I am not actually me.  Henceforth, at least for the rest of this review, I will be Garcon DeVache.

Today’s Blend: Upon arrival at this location, I – the immutable Garcon DeVache – ordered the Kenya AA.  The blend itself harbors a distinct strength and a pleasing flavor.  It doesn’t sit too heavy on the tongue or leave an undesirably acidic aftertaste.
   However, I will lay out one point of criticism.  Although the flavor is pleasing, I do wish I could taste more of it.  Whoever made this coffee must have filtered it through a wool sock.  Perhaps I should order such a blend black.
   Speaking of black liquids, I saw some inkblots the other day.  You know, the sort of inkblots that some therapists get their clients to look at and tell them what they see.  Does anyone else feel that there’s an international conspiracy behind these things?  Whenever I tell someone what I see in an inkblot, I find that nearly everyone else guessed something else.  One that I looked at looked like a banana on a stick in a tent.  Seriously.  Then I found out that everyone else in the civilized world said it looked like a woman in a corset.  I swear, it’s all about sex with these people…

Atmosphere: This room – that’s what this is, a coffee room – looks like it was decorated by a disorganized yuppie wannabe.  His sense of artistic design would have to be considered slightly sub-par for a drunken ring-tailed lemur.  I mean, who actually hangs an abstract Lawren Harris painting on their wall?  They keep playing jazz music in this place, too.  How can anyone think with this stuff in the background?  I’m glad I don’t have to live here.

Service: I’ve been in here for at least a good hour and nobody’s come in to serve me; I had to pour my own coffee.  Whenever the barista on duty shoes up, I am going to glare at him, with my very, very angry yuppie scowl.  Unless, of course, the barista is female.  Then I’ll smile, leave a five dollar tip and hope she gives me her number.  Speaking of which, has anyone seen the cereal boxes that come with a free movie pass in them?  I bought a box of Oatmeal Crisp a few weeks ago that had one of these passes in it.  Well, the movie pass is actually part of the cereal box.  You eat your cereal, cut out the pass, and go to see a movie.  What a wonderful way to ensure that you will not get a date with the girl at the box office (or whatever it’s called) at the theatre.  There are few better ways to not get this girl’s number than to walk up to her and say, “I’d like one for Ninja Turtles.  Oh, and I brought you a souvenir from my breakfast cereal.”  After this brief encounter with me, the three primary things she knows about me are that I’m cheap, I’m into Ninja Turtles, and that I eat Oatmeal Crisp.  Baby, oh baby, what turn-ons!

Suggested Reading: I’ve got none.  Do yourself a favor: Find a book that you’d like to read – a truly good book – and start reading, whether it’s at a coffee shop or wherever.  I’ve got a few books I’d like to get into this summer.  I’d like to get in The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky, Labyrinthine by Leslie-Anne Bourne, and Hard Times by Dickens, among others.  What about you?

Rating: Overrated

by: Jordan Vetro

What is your favourite moment from EBC this year?

I’ll just say something stupid…. stupid.
– Terry Ibele

Nothing. Go away.
– Simon Boucher
[assistant editor’s note: This comment is in keeping with the Simon Boucher we have all come to know… and fear. Such a blatant disregard for kind reflection is a flaw much in common with his personal distaste for fuzzy animals, his despising of all baritone singers and his inner desire to mercilessly beat down assistant editors.]

Hanging out in the ghetto
– Taryn Wiley

That one time I went to bed at 9:30PM and slept for 13 hours
– Trevor Creech

Last Tuesday’s chapel when Nick Cardases read to us
– Kimberley Schutten

Every moment I had the opportunity to interview the fine students of EBC for the Voice segment. (This is a lie.)
– Jordan Vetro

Solving Tim Chester’s riddle (if you have not heard it, ask him.)
– Rachel Neumeister

by: Stefanie Parsons

As the summer job looms in my future, I can imagine the long, hot days of work, work, and more work without the possibility of leaving my fine country for a far away mission trip destination.  “Bringing in the sheaves” has a whole other meaning when you’re a student worker on the grass cutting crew at the City of Cambridge. 

The next best things to going there, (wherever ‘there’ might be), is to read a good book about ‘there’.  It’s almost guaranteed that there is probably a book about anywhere or any culture that you would like to experience, so check out your library for these titles (they come highly recommended):

Honeymoon in Purdah: An Iranian Journey by Alison Wearing

A look inside Persian culture and family life with this American traveller who explores the back allies and experiences warm hospitality at every turn from Iranians that she and her ‘husband’ meet along the way.  From sharing tea with a young drug dealer to playing badminton with a house wife, the author discovers a country far different from the threatening fundamentalist label that the U.S. media has given Iran. 

Secret Histories – Finding George Orwell in a Burmese Teashop by Emma Larkin

Ever wondered if Big Brother is a reality in 2007?  This book that I picked up in Thailand describes a country where one of the oldest military dictatorships controls its citizens through fear, lies, and the very real threat of jail time.  George Orwell is a prophet in the minds of the well-read in the country of Myanmar who have learned the art of revolution in reading. 

Almost French (Love and a new life in Paris) by Sarah Turnbull

I loved this book so much that I went out and bought a copy after reading it from the library.  This ‘love’ story explains that the French aren’t really rude, it’s just their culture.  But as the author, an Australian journalist finds out, it can be tres difficile trying to figure out how to be accepted in the land where cheese courses at dinner are a must and wearing a sweatshirt to the market is a non-non.

Lipstick Jihad: A Memoir of Growing up Iranian in America and American in Iran by Azadah Moaveni

What can young people do for fun in a strict, somewhat oppressive Islamic country?  The author of this eye-opening book lets the reader into the different worlds of Iran today where teenagers slow dance at house parties and women can still be publicly beaten for not wearing a headscarf.  For the author, the reality of living in Iran is very different from the idealized version she grew up hearing about in her birthplace of California. 

The Good Women of China by Xinran

This book tells the true stories of Chinese women as told by the former host of a talk-radio show.  She discovers the hidden tragedies and losses suffered by many women as a result of the Communist revolution.  Heartbreaking and raw, this is an essential book for anyone who wants to learn more about the lives of Chinese women and how the communist system and centuries old Chinese culture has impacted them on a personal level. 
 

by: Terry Ibele

This impressive video, which Terry spent many long hours creating, won First Place at the annual Charlie Awards 2006.  Take time to watch the whole thing–it’s incredible!

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/szpaoJcILJQ" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

FULL NAME:  Rachel Suzanne Neumeister
STUDENT COUNCIL POSITION: The honourable, high and mighty, “that is ‘ma’am’ to you” Publications Editor
HOMETOWN: A-town-you’ve-never-heard of, Ontario  (A.K.A. Linwood)
 

CURRENTLY RESIDES: Room 6, Lower Lehman, Emmanuel Bible College, Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, North America, Planet Earth, Milky Way, Solar System, Universe
HOME CHURCH: Woodside Bible Fellowship in Elmira
FAMILY: Daddy, Mommy, Brother
PETS: No
HOW DID YOU GET TO EBC: Some uncertainty, some convincing from the parental unit, some more uncertainty, probably some God’s leading in there too, and then a car.
EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: My parents taught me most of the stuff I know, well anything that’s of importance at least.  I suppose I should give some credit to Linwood Public School and Elmira D.S.S. too.
FAVOURITE BOOK AND WHY: Other than the Bible, I don’t even know.
FAVOURITE FOOD: BBQ’d meat-anything, some form of potatoes and some form of veggies—OH! corn on the cob, all homemade of course.  And some orange juice and raspberry pie with ice cream for dessert
FAVOURITE BIBLE VERSE: “But, my child, be warned:  There is no end of opinions ready to be expressed.  Studying them can go on forever and become very exhausting! … Fear God and obey his commands, for this is the duty of every person.”  (Ecclesiastes 12:12,13)
MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON AND WHY: My parents (I can’t narrow it down to “person”.)  To summarize, my dad formed how I think and my mom how I act and I owe so much to them for giving me the best childhood ever!
FAVOURITE CARTOON CHARACTER AND WHY: Arnold from Hey Arnold! is a pretty cool kid, as is Francine from Arthur, and I don’t know a reason why.  Coolness can’t be explained.
DREAM VACATION: AUSTRALIA (it won’t be a dream in 22 days and counting)
COURSE YOU WOULD LOVE TO TEACH OR TAKE AT EBC AND WHY: I would love to take “Nap Time”.  Tuition for this course would of course be free, with comfortable beds and blankets provided.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE PLACES WITH ANYONE FOR A DAY AT EBC-WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY: Brittany Rice because I am always in awe of how she balances everything so well.  Teach me, oh wise one!

A QUOTE FOR THE MASSES: “The only time my education was interrupted was while I was in school” – Mark Twain

NAME YOU WISH YOU WERE GIVEN: Rachel.  Oh wait! I don’t have to wish!

BLOOD TYPE: No, I don’t think it can.
FAVORITE TV SHOW (S): No, thank you.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? A black t-shirt, pajama shorts, undergarments, a hair elastic, a ring and glasses.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE? Quick and painless; I shall not get into details. 

MOST MEMORABLE PUBERTY EXPERIENCE: In grade six gym class, when we were learning about the changes that will happen to us through puberty, the teacher handed out sample deodorant sticks saying “you will need to use this someday”.  I didn’t take any because I already had my own.  Then when I got back to the classroom, someone had put a stick of the deodorant in my desk with a note saying “I saw you didn’t take any.  Use this, you need it.”  I was so insulted.

IF YOU COULD GO ON A DATE WITH ANYONE AT EBC, WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?  Who writes these questions anyway?

BIGGEST LIBRARY/VIDEO STORE LATE FEE: I think I had a book here that was about six months overdue (I lost it), but the fine got waived because someone happened to donate the same book back. 

EMBARRASSING STORY (50-100 words):
Well, the puberty experience is right up there, but I will add another one for your comedic benefit.  It doesn’t seem bad in hindsight, but at the time I was horrified.  We were hanging out as a family, my parents and my brother and me, and I declared that I had never been truly embarrassed before. (I was probably around 10 years old.)  So my dad sought to change that, snuck up behind me and pants’ed me. 

by: Robin Antoine, Tim Chester, Angela Meinzinger

The first song ever published on the Voice, featuring the musical talent of two young men and one young woman – written by Angela, and accompanied and sung by Robin and Tim.

Complete

FULL NAME: Jordan Robert Vetro

STUDENT COUNCIL POSITION: The less honourable, less high and less mighty assistant editor of the prestigious and most excellent Voice of Emmanuel Bible College and Institution for the Culinary Arts

HOMETOWN: Alliston Ontario, a thriving rural community that exists solely because of a bunch of potato farmers (every year we have a potato festival to commemorate how hick we are) and a Honda plant about twice the size of a small European kingdom.

CURRENTLY RESIDES: Here

HOME CHURCH: Alliston Alliance Church

FAMILY: 1 Father, 1 Mother, 3 Sisters, 1 Brother, 1 Dog, 8 Colonies of Toe Fungus, 3 varieties of moss growing in my closet and 17 illegal immigrants who hide under my bed.

PETS: Note the aforementioned Canine

HOW DID YOU GET TO EBC: In a car. . . what kind of question is that?

EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: My sister often quotes “I never let school interfere with my education.” That’s a good plan. Outside of school you learn all the important things. Like how to cut your toenails and eat different varieties of natural dirt. But aside from that my education is very conventional.

FAVOURITE BOOK AND WHY: Of course here I pay homage to the Bible, which hopefully is implied to each of us and transcends such consideration. But to the EBC community I recommend the overly recommended Lord of the Rings trilogy, and request that no one disregard fantasy as useless, as it is in the time devoted to such fancies that we develop imaginations that will aid us even up until our personal lives become dull and tired.

FAVOURITE FOOD: Pasta, and the fine cuisine of my Italian heritage, which boasts much better food certainly than many other societies. (Hungarians take note)

FAVOURITE BIBLE VERSE: Deuteronomy 31:8 says “The Lord goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave or forsake you. Do not be afraid and do not be discouraged.”

MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON AND WHY: My mum who inspires all the best points of my personal morality, my father, who is responsible for my love of theology and the respect I hold for ministry, my closest friends and mentors for holding me accountable, and for the whole of the French Parliament, for always standing up as a firm example for me of what not to do.

FAVOURITE CARTOON CHARACTER AND WHY: Jughead Jones. Never doubt the soundness of mind of someone who can stand up in the face of all of the drama which is endured by his friends, and understand the importance of just loving life (and the food you partake in within it)

DREAM VACATION: Italy, and the whole European tour. Not to sound sacrilegious but that is best described as my Mecca, my personal journey towards lifelong completion. I maintain the romantic idea that nothing would more satisfy my personal love of history, culture and elegant foreign cuisine.

COURSE YOU WOULD LOVE TO TEACH OR TAKE AT EBC AND WHY: Theological Seminary. I would love to sit in on an intellectual environment, teach and discuss the issues which are today addressed and challenged by so many respected (and less respected) Church leaders and teachers.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE PLACES WITH ANYONE FOR A DAY AT EBC-WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY: I would change places with myself. I always thought I had it far too well and would like to take that day sitting in my own place to experience the decadence and foolishness of which I partake, so that I might then better approach and correct myself for all of my moral and intellectual fallacies and inaccuracies.

A QUOTE FOR THE MASSES: “I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.”
Socrates

NAME YOU WISH YOU WERE GIVEN: Carl. Never before has there been such an elegant and yet pleasingly aesthetic title as this.

BLOOD TYPE: I don’t know and it won’t tell.

FAVORITE TV SHOW (S): M*A*S*H, and of course the Three Stooges, which is secretly the favorite television series of every human being. It is what Kant would call an apriori aspect of our being. Something embedded within all of us.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Don’t call me scandalous if I say I’m wearing clothes. These include an intense t-shirt bearing an original STAR WARS poster, an elegant and immensely classy pair of Converse All-Stars and a very patriotic pair of boxers. Of course we may also hear bear homage to the single greatest pair of eyewear known to human kind, the John Lennon special. (Relate this most excellent aspect of my attire to a certain boy-wizard and I shall break you ‘neath the might of my powerful wand)

HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE? I want to be secretly and subtly crept upon by a powerful hoard of monkey-ninjas commissioned by none other than an underground terrorist sect secretly working for the government of Nepal. If death works to take me in any other fashion I shall refuse outright.

MOST MEMORABLE PUBERTY EXPERIENCE: Here I extend my gravest apologies and inform you that personal denial and hours of therapy have made quite sure that every puberty experience in my lifetime has been erased from my psyche in entirety.

IF YOU COULD GO ON A DATE WITH ANYONE AT EBC, WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY? Myself. Despite my aforementioned lack of morality I’ve always had a great admiration for myself. (and if any one of you takes such a satirical comment as this as any indication of my character than I apologize for the fact that I sound like such a conceited fellow. Perhaps it is the terror of making a serious comment that brings upon such a comment, but I will leave such an assumption to the reader)…or Simon Boucher, because he’s so pretty.

BIGGEST LIBRARY/VIDEO STORE LATE FEE: I try to remain punctual in all my library/video store doings. Either that or I have never had any need for extra information or entertainment on the grounds that I am personally so intellectual and exciting. Again I put that forward to the reader.

EMBARRASSING STORY (50-100 words): I am reminded of the time I attempted to shoot the apple of the Kaiser’s head. Needless to say my aim was a bit off and things didn’t go well for the Kaiser.

(Sequel Poem to “What is Love Today?” featured in the Relationship Issue of 2006-2006)
by: Wesley Hague

How do we our show Love today?
Boasting, or loud words do we say?
Or With, things or money do we pay?
How do we say, we love today?

To a dear friend, or a close brother
one to whom, their could be no other.
It is awkward, to say “I Thank you.”
So unspoken are the words too true.

How do we our show Love today?
A kind act as we all go our way?
Gone and lost in a chaotic day?
How do we say, we love today?

The poor, and beggar on the street
our couple coins, to their hands meet
Yet shortly after the dollar paper flies
as costly hobbies, our wallet fries.

How do we show Love today?
The poor are always here to stay
Coins won’t pay them to go away.
How do we say, we love today?

Eyes meet together both guy and girl
Tongue is frozen, nervous he could hurl.
The heart hurts as she passes on
Another day, of indecision gone.

How do we show Love today?
Emotions and feelings tear and play
As we feel like we are wasting away
How do we say, we love today?

To this question, all answers I do not know
As through my life I continue to go.
Yet God’s true love, I try and model true
My actions, may one day affect you.

How do we show Love today?
I hope that I do get the chance to say.
Ask a friend, or brother to stay
To tell how much to me they mean today.
And show them that I care anyway
This is I want to say I love today.

Dear Queen B

What are your reflections of this year at EBC as a whole?

The Voice Committee

Dear VC

Personally, this school year has been one of great growth, not only in my
abilities but in my relationship with God.  I cannot say if this has been
the experience for our entire community, although I pray that it has been.
With our theme being Full Serve, our hope was that students would discover
the gifts and abilities and how to glorify God with them and through doing
this showing God’s people mercy through ministering to their needs.  I
think we have made great strides towards this. It’s of course an ongoing
project; please do not stop!  Continue to serve God and serve people!  God
will honor your efforts, when your heart is in the right place.

Overall, I have thoroughly enjoyed this year.  I have shared many laughs in
and out of class!  I have gotten to know many people and have been blessed
because of them.  I feel blessed by the teachers I have had.  I have been
able to work with a great group of people (SLT), and have seen each person
learn and grow.

Yours truly,

Queen B 

Dear Queen B
What is your advice for the new SLT?
The Voice Committee
Dear VC
I have three pieces of advice for the new SLT.  1.  Organize yourself!
You’ll find it easy to make plans in the summer, and then you start the
school year and realize you are overwhelmed with tasks.  If you organize
yourself and stick to it, you’ll find your stress level is decreased.  2.
Be confident!  Be confident in who God has made you as a leader and the role
that you are in.  You were affirmed into your position, because wise people
believe that you can do it, and we won’t go back on our decisions.  You can
do it!  There will be times when you’re tired, times when you receive
criticism, times when you may want to quit, but don’t.  Believe in yourself,
and take this as a great learning opportunity.  3.  Communicate!  It’s
extremely important that you can clearly communicate your plans, goals, and
objectives to SLT and to the student body.  You will never communicate too
much.  And do not be timid in communicating your beliefs, or convictions.
You will each be in my prayers, and I look forward greatly to working with
each of you next year!

Yours truly,
Queen B